I think I’m going crazy.

I am on edge all of the time. The muscles across the top of my back are so tense all of the time that they ache constantly. I worry about everything, and when I say everything, I’m not kidding. I worry about feasible things, I worry about outlandish things, I worry worry worry.

I’ve always been a worrier, but over the past year it has ballooned into something I can’t control. I can’t turn it off. I can’t get beyond it. I don’t know what to do. I am scared and worried all of the time.

I try to go to sleep at night, and I just lay awake worrying. I am sleepy, but I cannot sleep. I’m actually almost always sleepy. When I finally fall asleep, I will sometimes wake up frantic, crying or panicked about something that’s not tangible but seems to live inside of my chest all of the time. I do sleep, but at absurd times. I wish I could sleep all of the time. I feel like that’s the only time I’m not filled with terror and anxiety. Of course, that ends when I wake up.

I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry at least 5 times a day, and that’s not an exaggeration. And I’m not crying at long distance commercials or something, I cry because I get overwhelmed with concern about something. It’s like a dam breaks. Only it doesn’t stay broken, it just continues to build.

I have no interest in anything. I do none of the things I used to do. If friends try to make plans with me, I blow them off, or worse, I make plans with them and when the time comes, I back out. I am not interested in anything I used to care about. There is nothing I feel one ounce of passion for.

I have a boyfriend. I love him. He is good to me. I cannot tell you how much I love him. I do love him, more than anything. But I find myself more and more unable to be interested in investing my time with him. I am more and more unavailable to him emotionally and otherwise. I am turned off somehow. I cry all the time around him. I know he has to be tired of me, of how un-fun I am now. I cannot get past this.

I am posting this because I am scared. I don’t know what to do. The scariest thing is that lately I’ve been fantasizing about suicide. And I call it fantasizing because it seems like it would be such a relief. My suicide thoughts have gotten more and more frequent over the past month. I now think about it almost daily. And that’s scary. I don’t want to die, intellectually, but god it would be nice to have some rest. I know that sounds stupid.

Here’s the thing, though. If you knew me, you’d never know any of this stuff except that maybe you’d think I was a bitch for backing out of plans with you. When I’m with people, I smile and talk and deal with them and stuff. I thought about exploring the possibility of therapy, but the Dr. would just think I was really crazy because I don’t seem wrong. But I am. There’s something wrong.

I keep seeing those commercials for Paxil. “When I’m home, I worry about work, when I’m at work, I worry about home, etc.?That is how I feel. I can never relax. But I am scared of being put on drugs that will make me someone else, or numb, or just out of it, or something. I’ve also heard that if you go to therapy and have been on mood-altering drugs, that stays on your insurance record and companies looking to hire you and stuff may not hire you based on it, or may not give you insurance with your benefits package because you’re obviously certifiable. I also don’t have a lot of money, and what money I do have should be paid toward school loans and credit cards and such, not toward my craziness.

I am so scared. I don’t know what to do. I’m posting this here because I’m hoping someone can tell me something. I post on the forums all the time, but under a different name. I don’t want to post as me because my boyfriend occasionally reads the forums and I don’t want him to see this. I don’t want him to know I have thought about killing myself. I know I should be able to talk to him about it, but he would be so sad and upset. I don’t want to kill myself, so I don’t need to tell him about it.

Anyway, this is too long already. Thanks for reading, for making it this far. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't even know why I'm posting this.

Take care of yourself.

Trinket
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Pick up the phone and call your local crisis line. Seriously. You don't need to keep suffering like this, there is help out there for you.

Drugs affect everyone differently. Some people have side effects and they need to switch to another drug. In the past, I was on a bunch of drugs before we found the right one for me. Everyone is different. If you are worried about being a "zombie", you can talk to your doctor about that and he/she can help you find the right medication for you.

There are special laws regarding health insurance and how it's issued to you. Legally, your employer can never have access to your medical records unless you sign a waiver, allowing them access.

Many people take anti-depressant medication. It doesn't mean you are "crazy" or anything like that. And if you don't have money or health insurance, there are community resources that can help you. Please, call your local crisis line and talk to them.

Let us know how you are doing.

Ann
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Would you believe that you are not alone? Every thing you described fits me to a t right now.
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I second that, and it's helped me being here reading everyone else's posts, because I don't feel like what's happening to me is quite so unreal any more, and I don't feel like the freak I thought I was.
This place is a good place. Now you just have to be brave.
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I find that taking St. Johns Wort helps keep me calm a little bit. And then I have to go to sleep. I have only been out of work for less than two weeks and feel that my life is falling apart.
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St. John's Wort interferes with my birth control pills. And since I'm obviously a basket case, the last thing I need is a surprise baby.

I still haven't called anyone or done anything. Friday was bad, but I looked for a crisis line number and couldn't find one. I did find the email support line thing, but I couldn't manage to write an email to express what I wanted from someone. And really, why reach out if I don't know what I want to happen.

I start a new job Tuesday. I am dreading it. I have been unemployed for 6 months, so I pretty much had to take the first thing offered to me. The job market is horrible right now. So it's a crummy job, in the basement of a building with no windows and only flourescent light. I will have to drive an hour to and from work everyday. I will lose precious time with the people I love. But it's a job. But I'm dreading it. That's not good.

My boyfriend is having a hard time at his job, and I'm terrified he's going to quit or get fired. I literally thought I was going to pass out last night thinking about it. He's out of town on business a lot and without him to draw me out of myself sometimes I just caught in a loop of worry and anxiety, even worse than my normal everyday life. So with him out of town, that's what happened last night--hours lost to worrying and crying. If I were to kill myself, I would do it while he's out of town. So every time he leaves a part of me is scared that this time I'll do it.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank people for responding. You are all kind.

And thank you for the St. John's Wort suggestion. I would try it in a instant if it didn't cause problems with my BC pills.

Trinket.
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Yeah.....unexpected surprises arent much fun. Hey anytime you are online you can talk to me. I am cheriluvsdanny on AIM and I have icq. You can even email or pm me and let me know when you are on. I dont mind talking to people.
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Well I had this post all written out and then I hit the wrong button and it all disappeared...

Anyway, I'm with Walks with Spirit in that this describes me perfectly lately, too. You're not alone. I really feel for you and wish there was more I could do.

And I can totally relate to the part about appearing normal on the outside. I was just paid a compliment today by a supervisor who said I seem level-headed and don't get flustered easily. If only he had seen my last week when I cried at work. Luckily only a few people saw that and it was really touching how nice they were about it.

I don't think my own situation is as bad as how yours sounds, but it hasn't been good. I feel like PMS started a couple weeks ago and just forgot to shut itself off.

If you want to talk you can PM me. I rarely post on the forums anymore but I lurk a lot.
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Yosemite! How wonderful to see you. :)
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Awww..... thanks. :) It's good to see you too. You were gone a long time... I remember wondering where you were.
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Oh i had a few issues that needed clearing up.
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hi, honey.

You seem to be suffereing from depression and even though I know it seems like you shouldn't go see someone you really should consider it. Medication works differently for people and even though some may perhaps make you numb there is others you can try that will just affect the chemical imbalance going on in your body. Becasue it is that, you are suffering from and you need medication to correct it , or so it seems. i would suggest going and talking to someone about it, you may just need therapy and not really medication, it might be something else that's driving you to this feeling of sucicie and depression.

With any luck that's the problem, however, if you need help you should get it, and not worry about jobs because you kind of need to be alive and kicking to get one, and if you don't take care of this soon it may get worse. I could help you if you need me to. I could find local Docs in your area that will do work with you in terms of how you are financially. I know in Texas they have MHMR which will attend to you no matter what. And you won't have any dept afterwards if you can't pay for it. So if you need help pm me, or IM at thatstarcan, or email me at the same IM but at yahoo.com. Take care doll.

STAR.
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Thank you blindsighted.
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i think that it is imperative that you seek help. if your boyfriend doesn't know what's going on, you may want to think about telling him. when i was depressed i didn't want to call someone to make an appointment, so i had my best friend call and pretend to be me on the phone. yeah, it sounds bad, like i should've done it for myself, but being depressed means that you don't want to do shit like that, you don't want to be strong. i made her go with me to the appointment, just for moral support, just so i wouldn't back out of it. you would be surprised what one visit can do with a counselor. the thing is, you can't just go once, even if it may feel as if you feel better. keep going. ask to be referred to a psychiatrist who can prescribe you medication. the times when you wake up in your sleep and feel out of breath...those may very well be panic attacks. my mother wakes up with them in the middle of the night sometimes.

if money is a problem, usually there will be some sort of clinics in your area. you may have to do some digging, and if you don't feel up to it, ask someone, a friend, your boyfriend, to help you. go to your regular doctor if you have one. they can also prescribe you meds.

sometimes when you feel this helpless, you need someone to take charge for you for the moment. you must find someone who you know will be caring and understanding to help you find the help you need. it seems embarrassing, it seems like you are maybe just imagining it all and it will just go away, but it usually doesn't and you deserve treatment.

if you know anyone in the social services or medical field, they may have access to resources that you don't have access to. if you still have trouble finding services, don't give up. come back here and ask for more suggestions to find services.

p.s. i'm on birth control and i take paxil, so there are some things that won't interact that can help you.

i wish you well and good luck finding treatment. don't be afraid to ask for help from the ones you love, no matter how embarrassing it may seem, you will thank yourself later.

;o
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