Life wasn't great a couple of weeks ago, but I'd take it back in a heartbeat. It's two weeks today that I broke my foot and my mental and physical condition has deteriorated since then. I'm awful to be around.

I can't do the basic things for myself very well. Everything is a hassle. Forget the house. It's a complete disaster. It's only me and two kids. I have them do a few things, but they're only kids. I can't drive them all day like slaves. Not to mention, that it takes more energy sometimes to explain how to do something than it would to do it yourself.

Rob calls every day to check on me. I'm surprised by now he's not sick of hearing me whine. I have nothing good to say. Nothing interesting to talk about. My brain is mush. Even without painkillers, my mind is sluggish. I'm always depressed. I'm exhausted all the time. Rob says it's because the body uses a lot of energy to make bone.

I can't even drive to the store. I can't go to the dump and get rid of our trash. I can only handle about one or two loads of laundry in a day. Sweeping? Vacuuming? Mopping? Ha!

I can stand, but only sort of. I can put down the bad foot for balance, but I can't put weight on it, so all the weight is on the good leg, and it's getting tired of standing all by itself. I have to do everything in small pieces and then sit down again.

Two weeks. And I have at least a month to go.

Today I find out if I need to get a cast. The foot <i>looks</i> a lot better and I'm not in nearly as much pain anymore, so I'm hoping I'll get away without one. I'm also hoping I'll get permission to drive.

Meanwhile, of course, I have absolutely no money. I have to make money FAST. I spent some time this week soliciting new business. I got some responses, but I don't have the confidence to do anything about them. I've lost faith in my own abilities. I feel like I have no skills. I just want to go to bed.

Every morning when I wake up, I remember that I can't just jump out of bed. I remember that I have to crawl around, struggle to get dressed, get my crutches and hobble into the bathroom. I remember that even making coffee and bringing it to my desk is going to be a major pain. I remember that I have an enormous amount of stuff to do I don't think I can handle. It doesn't make for a great start for the day.

I have to figure out a way to snap out of this. I don't want to be who I am right now. I'd rather be the kind of person who can deal with things. I need to recognize what can't be changed and put my energy and time into working around my obstacles instead of wishing things were different. I keep thinking about how much I wish Rob could be here. Not that I'd want to expose him to my foul attitude right now, but I do think I'd be a lot happier and cheerful just to have him nearby. He has a way of putting a positive spin on bad situations and a common-sense approach to dealing with things we can and cannot change.

But he's not here. And I shouldn't be looking to someone else to make my life better. That's my responsibility. I just wish I knew how to take the first step toward meeting that responsibility...on one foot.
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But did it make you feel better to get that off your chest? I hope you feel better soon.
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i think you answered your own question there., St . Theresa.

I've found in my experience, depression never gets better until you do something about it. :)
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I found with my boughts of depression, that if I could make myself do something positive, eventually I would work out of being depressed. Can you make some sort of schedule (being realistic with your broken foot) and just force yourself to stick to it?

Maybe depression is like a nasty beast. If you feed it, it just gets bigger and has more control. If you fight it, and don't give in, effectively starving it, you can make it go away.

Are you in any sort of physical therapy? If your insurance will pay for it, ask your doctor about it. Maybe you would feel better if you were working towards getting well.

Let us know how you are doing.

Ann
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I woke up this morning after yet another good night's sleep and I still feel tired and I still feel defeated. But everyone's right...there is no magic cure. I have to do it myself. Like Kai says, I have to starve the beast.

I think part of the reason I'm not feeling like myself is all the sitting and inactivity. And being shut-in. In the last week, I've only gone to one place: the doctor. I almost went to a convenience store last night, but there weren't enough seats in the car, so I stayed home again. My parents called last night and asked if they could pick up some things at the grocery store for me today. I asked them if they could just bring me there. I need to get out so badly. And I have my own key for the motorized carts.

Even a bright spot quickly dimmed last night. I started looking into travel plans to visit Rob in a few weeks. But the more we talked, the more we realized that I had to wait until I knew I could get around well. I also need to try to make arrangements with people to watch the kids so that I can spend more than 48 hours there.

The positive thing I need to do is get this work off my desk and some new projects going and some money flowing. If I can't pull myself together enough to concentrate on that, I'm really screwed. And I'm REALLY useless.

The good news is the doctor didn't cast my foot. It's not a bad break, so I can just use this big ol' immobilizing boot, which means I can take it off for bathing and just plain air. And he said I could start putting weight on it and trying to walk in 2 weeks (10 days, now.)

As for physical therapy, I don't know. I guess it depends on how I'm doing after 4 weeks of not walking. I'm supposed to do range-of-motion exercises in water, so I do them in the bath. It's just basically moving my toes and flexing my foot around as much as I can. Gradually, I get more movement back every day.

I can't wait to like my own company again. Right now, I find myself extremely annoying. It's a weird feeling. I've never wanted to get away from myself so much in all my life. Really weird....
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