ok, this is only sort off wieght loss related, so please forgive me for going off topic once again here. {edit}also, this is really long. so...fair warning :)

i am having such a hard time getting my butt up to excercise. i am so freaking tired and depressed. i actually had to leave the gym monday night because i started crying on the treadmill. god damn this pisses me off.
i had been doing so well, i lost 20lbs and now i can barely get up the energy to change the channel on the tv.
the thing is that i am totally stressed out by work. i am making the transition into a supervisory position. it's something i've wanted since i started this job 3 years ago. the thing is i always have been the supervisor w/out actually having the title. anyway, i have people intentionally giving me a hard time and pushing my buttons simply because they are jealous. i am the senior member of the staff and the most qualified for the job. to my face they are all 'yay kelly' but then behind my back they do shit to mess with me, like being bigger slackers than usual and not getting shit done. none of this suprises me at all but it doesn't make it any less frustrating.
also, i am everybody's fucking mommy. people who are not even in my dept. come to me, bitch and whine about thier problems and expect me to wave my wand and fix it. they won't even go to the people who can fix thier problems, they just want to bitch.
the second thing is that i am so incredibly lonely. the friends i have either live hours away or don't have time to spend with me. fine, people are busy, i understand. i am not an attention whore and i don't want to inconvienence anyone by constantly whining to them. but for christ sake give me the same consideration i give you.
third, the one that makes me feel really lonely, out of all the people i know, only my best friend from work (who i've only known for 2 years) and my parents remembered my birthday on sunday. i have yet to hear from my best friend from high school and the person i am 'involved' with (long story, not worth going into) didn't acknowledge it till today and he just gave me a card. that's fine i guess. it just smarts a bit cause i gave him a card every year for the past 3 years and last year i even baked the son of a bitch a cake. lets not even talk about christmas. i don't give gifts to get some back but come on, at least tell me happy birthday. needless to say that this is over with, i'm not wasting anymore time on that shit.
fourth, which is the biggest problem of all is that my mommom (what we call my grandmom) is dying. that's the first time i've ever written that...i've never said it. last year she was diagnosed with 3 different cancers, breast, bone and lung. we thought she was doing ok but we know now that she is not. she's 5'10" and wieghs about 100lbs. sunday we had our family reunion and it took all she had in her to go. we took her reclining chair with us so she would be comfortable. when she wanted to eat she wanted to sit at the picnic table with the rest of us. she's really independent so she didn't want to lean on me while she moved to the table. well, her legs gave out from underneath her, which happens all the time and i caught her before she hit the ground. i caught her around her waist and i could feel every rib and she was just this dead wieght because she couldn't pick herself up. anyway, i've never lost anyone close to me let alone my mommom. she's my favorite person ever. she was so awesome and independent, now she's afraind to be alone at all. i don't get to spend any time with her, at least not as much as i want to because of my stupid job. so i cry about this all the time. i don't sleep at night because i lay there and think about how much i will miss her. eventually i pass out from exhaustion. and i think about how she'll never meet my kids if i ever have any and how she'll never be at my wedding. i feel so bad for my mom cause she is trying to be so strong and i'm a mess so i can't really comfort her cause she's trying to make me feel better. and i feel so awful for my mommom cause she is in so much pain and she always talks about how she just wishes she wouldn't wake up one morning.

so i know the whole wieght loss thing is such a petty thing to focus on but i'm afraid i'll never get out of this rut. i know i won't feel better about any of this stuff anytime soon but i wish i could stop being such a weepy mess. i cry at the drop of a hat and this is especially embarassing during the work day. no one there has any idea what's up with me.
i'm just so afraid of 1. gaining the wieght back when i have so much father to go and 2. that things won't get any better. i realise they will one day but considering the stuff with my mommom, it's going to be a long time.
i'm afraid to take anti-depressants cause the last time i did i gained a ton of wieght.

ok, i guess i'm done now. thanks for reading if you read this whole thing. if you read this whole thing you've done a lot more than my 'friends' have, so i really appreciate it.
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs you}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


hang in there, sweetie.

and whatever you do, don't give up. okay??

{{{{{{{}}}}}}}

- anastaza
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if you're interested, here are few pics of my mommom as a young woman. i've recently started scanning in all her old photos and making a website so we will always have them and our whole family can see them any time.

go to: http://photos.yahoo.com/hellokitteee
click on the folder that say's kelly's art, it's the last two photos...sorry, i tried to make it easier but i never could get photos to upload correctly to this place
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Originally posted by anastaza
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs you}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


hang in there, sweetie.

and whatever you do, don't give up. okay??

{{{{{{{}}}}}}}

- anastaza

thanks so much....i've given up once before (on more than wieght loss) i could never let myself be that way again. i guess i'm too used to being in control and that's why this is so hard. i can't really do anything about any of this, it has to work itself out. and i'm not a patient person but i guess i have no choice but to wait it out.
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Have you ever tried meditation and yoga? Sit in a warm, relaxing place where you feel safe and where you will not be disturbed. Wear loose, comfortable clothing. I like to sit on the floor in a half lotus on a small cushion, but you could sit in a chair, making sure your back is straight. Leave your eyes open--gaze blankly in front of you about 6 inches, and breathe very deeply, slower and slower, focusing on each breath, and how it feels, sounds, vibrates--every nuiance. With each intake, allow warm, calm energy to enter you, with each exhale, allow stresses to flow out of you. If thoughts and emotions rise to distract you, don't fight them--simply awknowlegde their existance without a positive or a negative reaction. Let them float away from you without any response. Notice the way your mind tries to distract you and pull you away from concentrating and being at rest--but simply neutrally notice. Let it all float away from you. Go as long as you think you can, and slowly come back into awareness. I find that this not only calms me down and gives me a new perspective, but it also gives me energy. You will find it difficult at first, but with practice you can slip into a light trance very easily.

There are many different meditations--if you find you like this one, I can give you others or you can go out and find books on it. I hope this helps!
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hi sweetie.

it seems you have more on your plate right now than you can handle.

i think dallandra's recommendation of some sort of meditation or yoga will do wonders for you.

and from me ... have you ever seen a therapist? i never, EVER thought i'd need that "third party" to talk to but i found out last year that i did indeed need it.

my therapist, kendra, helped me through some VERY difficult times ... just by being there and listening to me. i don't know what you're money situation is, but most health plans cover a therapist. (i get 20 visits a year and i just have to pay $10 a visit.)

i figured this would be a good idea since a lot of your friends do not live near you. you don't really realize until after a few sessions how much better you will feel.

also, about your weight loss ... 20 pounds is an amazing job, shade!! just keep doing what you're doing. please do not give up. take care of you FIRST. i know that's easier said than done, but trust me ... you are the most important thing.

do you get any vacation time? if so, why don't you take some soon and spend some time with your mommom. being with her also could help you tremendously.

and you always have us here at WW. :)

my e-mail is anirox23@yahoo.com if you ever need to chat. (my AIM handle is swingback23 but i'm not on that too much.)

take care, sweetie, and i hope some of us have helped you a little bit.
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how are things going, shade?

no one has posted in the forum since wednesday so i wanted to make sure to check up on you.

:)
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i'm feeling a bit better. i've still got all this crap going on but i'm trying to just relax about it. not crying every five minutes :)

THANKS SO MUCH to all of you who offered support.
i think i'm gonna try that yoga suggestion. i've done therapy several times before and never liked it.

gosh, i don't know what to say except thanks for listening/reading
i'm going to go see my mommom tonight and i think i am going to take vacation time and stay at her house for a couple days.
work is work and not much will be changing about that. i think i need to find a new job. it's hard because i've been there for over 3 years. you know you get used to being in a certain place and you can't picture yourself anywhere else.

i don't know, i think i'm having a little quarter life crisis :p . i don't feel like i've accomplished enough, seen enough, etc. so many issues, so little time
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Originally posted by shade72
i'm going to go see my mommom tonight and i think i am going to take vacation time and stay at her house for a couple days. work is work and not much will be changing about that. i think i need to find a new job. it's hard because i've been there for over 3 years. you know you get used to being in a certain place and you can't picture yourself anywhere else.

YAY!!! i'm so happy you might decide to do that. :e

and i know what you mean about work.

i've been working at this newspaper since march 1998. i almost left about three times.

now we have a new boss and things seem to be looking up.

try to stick with work, shade. things will change for the better.

but it also doesn't hurt to look at job listings.

good luck, sweetie, and remember ... we're all here for you. :)
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Ack I'd been meaning to reply to this earlier! Sorry!

When I get in ruts like that, that's when I just take some "me" time. That's when I disregard some other things I could be doing with my time (cleaning the house, etc.) and do something that is total self-pampering. Shopping, making a favorite meal, watching some of my "guilty pleasure" movies, etc. Stuff to just kinda make me forget the other crap on my mind and focus on making myself happy. Usually does the trick ;)

(And I so totally didn't see the replies. Good that you're gonna try and take a little time away, hope you enjoy it)
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You say you gained weight last time you took anti depressants. Out of curiosity, can I ask if reboxetine was one of them? Thanks.
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it was paxil and depakote (combined) i think the depakote was the catalyst
i've never heard of reboxetine, is that one bad for wieght gain too?
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Reason I ask is because at the in the first post, you speak of how tired you are, how much you hate the gym, and you go on to raise the issue of laziness, and whether people are pulling their weight at work or not. To me, that says you may have a possible noradrenalin deficiency problem.

Admittedly I'm only beginning to learn about this right now, which is why I ask. I suspect that there's something weird going on with my noradrenalin levels too, because people keep telling me I'm lazy, but I never seem to be able to be able to get my life sorted out, try as I might, at least not without resorting to appetite suppressants, which I'd rather not do continuously. To tell you the truth, this issue has been my obsession for years, but I'm only beginning to talk about it now.

Clinical depression is usually defined as a deficiency in serotonin. A deficiency in noradrenalin, however, is sometimes labelled as "depression" and treated with anti-depressants, however, the symptoms of a noradrenalin deficiency are very different to the symptoms of a serotonin deficiency, and using SSRI's for noradrenalin deficiency depression is actually likely to make it worse, unless the patient has a serotonin problem as well.

Paxil is the brand name of a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, I don't know anything about depakote though. Reboxetine is the generic name for a drug which acts as a noradrenalin reuptake inhibitor (NARI), and I'm thinking of asking my doctor for it. So I'm curious to find out if anyone else has ever taken it, why it was prescribed in the first place, whether it helped or not, and what the side effects were. I have absolutely no idea whether it's good or bad for weight, though.

Like I say, this is all new to me, and I might have got some of my info wrong. Thanks for the reply, though.
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Originally posted by squidgy
Reason I ask is because at the in the first post, you speak of how tired you are, how much you hate the gym, and you go on to raise the issue of laziness, and whether people are pulling their weight at work or not. To me, that says you may have a possible noradrenalin deficiency problem.



squidgy, thanks for the info, but i think you misunderstood. i'm not the lazy one, in fact it's quite the opposite. it's quite possible that some people might have the opinion that i do too much. as far as the gym thing, i actually enjoy going to the gym, but lately i've been so tired and depressed that it takes a lot of effort to go. the one day i had to leave cause i started crying was cause i was so overwhelmed by the crap going on in my life. i'm not such a crybaby that i actually cry when i have to go to the gym :) but thanks again for the info.

update: i'm not a 100% but i am feeling better since i first posted this topic. i spent the weekend with my mommom and my mom was there too. the weekend was kind of bittersweet. we had fun talking about stuff she used to do when she was a kid. she taught me how to make her wonderful cheesecake (lindy's in NY has nothing on her). I helped my mom super-clean the house (my mommom is a neat freak and she can't do it herself now). but then this morning i don't think she was feeling well at all because she was talking about when she dies. we were all sitting in the kitchen having lunch and she's saying how she had a good life etc. At this point i'm barely keeping it together cause it's hard to hear her talk like that. then she's quite for a few minutes and says to my mom 'i want you to find a good picture of daddy (her husband) and put it in the casket with me.' i've tried so hard not to cry in front of my mommom but that just made me lose it. because i could actually see it in my head. but aside from that, we had a good weekend watching lifetime movies and animal planet (our favorite channels)

ugh, i'm sorry guys. if you ever want to cry and you can't find a good girl movie just come talk to me :)

and thanks again to everyone for the support. i know we are just an online community here, but it means a lot to me, especially since we are all strangers ;h
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aww shade! it sounds like you had a wonderful weekend!!!

:e
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wow - i was extremely moved by this thread.

shade72, i hope you're feeling better.

squidgy - i'm interested in what you have to say. can you tell me more? i have never heard of Raboxetine or noradrenalin deficiency. i think i'll take a closer look......
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hey tricky, i'm doing A LOT better. i've still got all these crappy things going on but i'm trying to not be so stressed out about it! in other wors i'm not being a big baby about it :p
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oh shade, you're not being a big baby.
when my best friend used to call me up and was upset, i would just tell her "tell me absolutely EVERYTHING that wrong, even stupid little things like, you can't decide what to eat for dinner". and it works! you feel sooooo much better just naming everything and getting it all out.....
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hmm...what a difference three years can make.
i was browsing my thread subscriptions in my user CP and came across this thread.

since my first post:
- my mommom passed away in her sleep in june of '03. she was in an incredible amoutn of pain, so i am glad she went so peacefully. i know she's up in heaven with her husband and she's happy...she waited 40 years to see him again. he died just 12 years after they married.
- i quit my job (mostly because of the mistreatment from my superiors but also because they needlessly screwed with my schedule so drastically that I could not spend any time w/ my mommom).
- i gained back and lost and gained back those 20lbs again. but i'm working on losing them and the additional 60 that I need to lose.
- i moved to another state.
- i've been unemployed three times since my departure from the job mentioned in this thread. I've finally found the job i could spend the next 3-4 years at before i could potentially start my own business.
- the biggest news, i am engaged to a man i met on match.com and we are getting married in april of 2007 (so very far away...but its funny how this thread seems like i just wrote it months ago).

even though i am not blissfully happy, i am the happiest i've ever been. unfortunately the only thing that hasn't changed since this thread is that my mommom will never meet christian, be at our wedding or be a "mommom-mommom" to my children as she was to my brother's kids.
but things are ok and things are on the right track -- as far as i can tell. :)

what's changed for you in the past three years?
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Sorry I never responded to your original post, I probably wasn't hanging around these parts. But, wow, your story was very heart wrenching. Thanks for sharing so honestly.

So, the last 3 years for me: Met the man of my dreams, had a baby boy, continued pursuing a medical degree, gained lots of weight from the pregnancy :( ... sometimes I dunno if I'll ever lose it, and I have gotten over my anxiety issues, I used to have the shakes at times due to depression/anxiety and they have now subsided.:)
~melissa
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ok, just a few quick words on some of the drug points here then i'll shoot off and hide again.

Shade btw, grats to you for speaking out, takes guts and also for getting out and looking for practical ways to address some of the issues. A lot of folks say that's usually the beginning of their recovery road so it's excelent news! :)

Firstly can i just say that i'm a brit who works in mental health, and as such I am slow on the brand names of drugs, as everything is refered to by the generic name here, so i don't always know what drug you're on about but should you use a generic name, it's much easier for me (fluoxetine rather than prozac say - although everyone under the sun knows prozac i'd bet ;)). SSRIs (say prozac) actually have a lot of uses. yes they are the most common anti depressants (well currently, used to be tricyclics which still very much have their place actually) but they're also used for anxiety on some levels. Now seratonin is linked with depression (it's linked with a lot of things - Exctasy for one) but then so are other chemicals such as noradrenaline or dopamine. venlafaxine -efexor- is actually a noradrenaline and seratonine reuptake inhibitor (and has some funky side effects at first and when you come off too). Anxiety for instance specifically general anxiety disorder is something for which an SSRI would be prescribed rather than say a benzodiazepine (since benzo's are addictive and just plain nasty - benzos include say diazepam - or valium as it's sometimes called- temazepam and lots of other "azepams"! the group contains a lot of sleepers too) or venlafaxine. it can be easy to say that seratonin is depression and noradrenaline is anxiety but the honest answer is it just isn't that simple and we don't quite know why a certain drug works, only really how. Also certain drugs are prescribed for certain things over others but that isn't always because they're better. it could well just meann that the drug company who produces said new drug conducted trials in that area where another drug hasn't and so is allowed to make the claims about the drugs efficacy in treating a certain problem.

Anyway here endeth my boring spiel. incidentally if anyone has any questions on drugs or such like i'll be happy to try and answer, though i can't promise to know anything useful :)
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Sorry and the point to all that was about reboxetine. it is the only Noradrenaline selective reuptake inhibitor that i know of, and it is used in depression. However since you can't put depression down to just seratonin or just noradrenaline levels it's hard to say that one should be better than the other. Most drugs especially anti depressants tend to be very idiosyncratic, that is to say that one side effect may or may not occur for someone, and one drug may be best for someone else, but not for you, and unfortunatly we have nothing but groups of data about statistical averages to go from when deciding what works best. I know that's not the most encouraging news but there you go.

ALSO the only thing which is definatly true, is that sadly medication and therapy have a similar effect size (that is, about the same number of people get better if they do one or the other) but combined they have higher than any other form of treatment, and most different styles of therapy have a similar effect size as well (though i tend to lean to cognitive behavioural therapy as being the most efficient in terms of time energy and cost!). So don't just rely on the pills folks, get out there and engage in other things as well, be that self help, or a more directive format :)
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