I have a lot of nervousness associated with the mental health "profession" when it comes to hospitals, managed care programs, etc. I have had a bad experience with (mental) hospitals that probably led to that ... but now I'm cautious probably beyond reason.
What sucks is now I'm back in Kaiser's area, so I can't see a dr outside of their system (and I've had a lot of medical expenses in the past year ... so we can't really afford anything but the wonderful no copayment aspect of it)
and their system ... ?
I went in today to talk to a therapist .. so I could see a psychiatrist, who I have a referral for from my psych. in my old city (they went to school together and they both have talked, etc). I'm surprised how much I was actually able to say to this woman today, I guess the past few months of therapy has helped somewhat, but maybe I said too much? She referred me over to the Chemical Dependency Recovery Program ... so now I won't be seeing the Dr I thought I was but a Dr connected to the program.
and I'm not sure what I make of that. I still don't like the fact that I'm taking medication, I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with it ... because besides the drugs (which I know is a big "besides") I generally stay away from things like that .. it used to be just a way I looked at things, but now it's a way of life (full vegan, which is weird even to me but I'm too disturbed by putting stuff I don't know about in my body -- except for in those self destructive times, which, granted, are often ..)
Maybe I just make up excuses? I say I do stuff to numb myself and not think about things, so when I wake up from flashbacks or have panic attacks or something shitty happens again .. it doesn't have to be on my mind. I say I'm not addicted, I just don't think I want to stop, it's better than me cutting or hurting myself ... I don't do that much, comparitavely, I think.
Honestly, I don't connect drugs to -me- because for most of my life I was hardcore opposed to them ... things just got .. messed up along the way.
ack and now just rereading through this I'm getting panicky.
I didn't build up the courage to call and set up an appointment for this ... I know I need help, but I'm not sure what can. It's not about drugs at all. That's like .. the smallest aspect of it. If I'm flipping out because a nightmare or a flashback or something else ptsd related is bothering me ... what good will it do to be seeing someone who's experience is with helping people out of addiction? There's not a rape crisis center anywhere near where I live (literally, more than an hour drive either way, my town is sandwiched) ... and I don't know if that would be appropriate either, and I'm too fucking scared to call one again (where I went last time, though it was wonderful, I don't know where I got that courage from ...)
ack I just ..

-sigh- I don't get a good feeling from this
I was a psych major for years but I dropped it (and I won't graduate for awhile now, but whatever) because I realized I just do not share the same perspective on life and recovery as the general field does ... my friends keep asking me why I'm "putting myself through" seeing psychiatrists and psychologists when it unnerves me so much (not only b/c of nervousness, but also from the huge difference in perception and trying to portray that to any one of them) ... and all I can say is, at least I feel like I'm doing something about this. at least I can say to myself "look, you're trying, so you can't fail completely" because maybe I can pull something from it.
and maybe I can ... but I'm so worried it's not going to be from the right sources, not what I need *(not like I know what that is!)* I just .. can't fuck up my life again, if I'm going to keep living it.

hm okay I think that's off my chest .. if you read through thank you and I'm sorry it's kind of pathetic

muchlove to you all
venus
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;)

No it is not pathetic at all. I hope you feel better. :b
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Therapists are just like people. There are good therapists and bad therapists. You have to see a few before you find one that is a good fit.

I know it's scary going to see a new person and opening yourself up to yet another stranger. Try and keep in mind that you have control. You decide what you will tell this person, and you decide if this is someone you like. If you don't like them, don't go back. Ask for another referral. I'm sure Kaiser has multiple therapists. And I wouldn't write off this person just because they are only a drug rehab doctor. People don't just use drugs for the hell of it, they use drugs because they are trying to numb something else out. Give this doctor a chance.

I work on a rape crisis hotline. Please, call your nearest rape crisis center. It is appropriate for you to call them. Call RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE) if you don't know the number, and you will be forwarded to the center. They should be able to get you some referrals to low cost/ no cost therapy in your area. I know my center has counseling available for $5 a session. Please call.

Let us know how you are doing.

Ann
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Hey. how are you doing? I hope you are doing better!
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so .. I'm still kind of lost.
Thank you, Kai, and ms.Spirit, your words actually really helped me on the drive to the clinic and not walk out of the waiting room, which I was beyond tempted to do.
but now it's been two weeks, and I've still done nothing about it, rather than try to forget it (which isn't working, and won't be helpful)
The meeting with the chemical dependency counseler was ... interesting. Intense .. by the end of it I was crying, I was trying so hard to get her to understand -- or maybe she did and I'm the one who doesn't? -- I was so frusterated and when I left, pissed that it came to this. She called it dual diagnoses, ptsd and dependency, and she said something like, "I know you've been trying really hard, but it's *too* hard, and with these two problems, I don't know if you'll make it without help like our program provides"
um, excuse me? her doubt of me was the end of it, I was slightly considering some of their program alternatives, but even those would suck, but after that line my line was drawn.
The program is two weeks long, all day, everyday. It's outpatient, but literally only nominaly, as you only really have time to sleep at home before coming back. Then you go to meetings twice a week for at least three months ...
ohkay. I have no money; I still need to find a job here, I'm at the point of begging my mother for gas money. Two weeks? That would bring me to right when I have to move on campus, and driving over the hill twice a week for three months would be an impossibility since it looks like I have to leave my car here.
Plus I'm like ... god, I'm not a hardcore drug addict here. Granted, it sounded bad when I was reluctantly answering "yes" to maybe too many of the counseler's questions .. but I honestly, I've been really really good since moving from where I last was. Sure, I'm conflicted about how I see drugs .. I'm still repulsed by them somewhere in me, while wanting nothing more than to never feel again sometimes ... but I'd put that somewhere in the same catagory as my confliction when considering suicide (when I'm not in my right frame of mind .. but I'm somewhat scared lately that I don't even know what that "right frame" is anymore)...
sometimes I think maybe I think too much.
but I think what caught her was my answer to the question "What do you think you can gain from a recovery program" or something ... the choices ranged from quitting drugs entirely to I don't know ... and I circled "cut down," which she almost began lecturing me on, saying even with her recommendation maybe the program wouldn't even be for me. ;O

anyways I'm rambling. um, so what sucks is I'm "stuck between a rock and hard place," as the counseler put it. With Kaiser's policies, now I can't see anyone in Adult Pysch because I've had the clinic's recommendation that I join their program.
...?
Now I only have four days left of Wellbutrin. I know I'm stupid because I've put this off to the point of now I'm like .. almost screwed. I tried weaning myself off it right after I saw the clinic counseler ... but those following days I physically felt like shit, and that was with still taking some smaller amount. It felt like coming down from coke .. and then I remembered, the reason why I stayed on wellbutrin instead of trying anything else with my last dr, though I still dont see it as useful for much, is because it raises dopamine .. the same chemical I've probably caused some real damage to with coke .. so .. hm.
it's not very fun, and I don't want to go through that.
In fact, I don't think I can. Situations surrounding my life have begun to suck even more lately (people dying, being kicked out of the house I was staying at .. being yelled at and basically dehumanized every day as a result, though it wasn't my fault, living again with family I ran away from ..)
and I dont know how well I can "handle" all of this (not like I am, just sort of floating through it) if I feel like I'm constantly in a come down from cocaine.
oh yeah, and yay, I start a new university in three weeks ... I'm supposed to be able to focus on school now? plus moving .. sharing a room with a complete stranger ..
I need something to feel like I can hold myself together, but lately, I'm coming up short.
I'm still too much of a coward to call a crisis center .. though now I'm living in the same town as one, but the thing is, in three weeks I won't be, and won't have adequate transportation here .. and I don't want to start something and have it cut off like that.
argh, fuck and I was told another option, simply to stay on the meds, was to call my primary physician with Kaiser and ask for a refill since I'm almost out ... but with their fricking guidelines and such since I've already gotten refills from her and not seen a psychiatrist in their system, now I can't.
but I can't see anyone in adult psych.

Good lord.
Or I could wait three weeks and try something with my school's insurance and health place on campus ... but I know even that would take me some time to build up the courage to do ..
and that's still three weeks away. So then I'd already be out of medication...
rar. I'm a very little person and I'm on the highest allowable dosage. I'm almost pissed at this point that I even started it in the first place.

so ... I might call the first therapist I saw back on monday, and explain to her how stuck I feel and how much I don't want to/can't go through withdrawl stuff. looking back, she did tell me that she was concerned by sending me to the dependency program I'd just "disappear," and she had me try to promise I wouldn't, so maybe she can help with something?

who knows. we'll see.
I'm really scared to call her
I just wish so much of this could simply go away.

venus
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Goodness........I really wish there was some magic cure I could give you. the only thing I have is my heart to feel and my ears to hear. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Can you get an appointment with your doctor? You cannot just *stop* taking Wellbutrin cold turkey. You must taper down and your doctor has to recognize that by not giving you a refil, he/she could be causing you a lot of problems.

Please call your old therapist and see if you can talk. There are so many things going on right now in your life, and I think you need some help to get through all of this. I know it's hard to call a crisis line, but take a deep breath and dial the number. You can remain anonymous and just talk to someone. I work on a crisis line, and believe me, the counselors want people to call!

Please let me know how you are doing.

Ann
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ok so i chickened out
..but, i did call the main nurses line and told them basically that i was almost out of a perscription and needed a refil. so she told me i'd get one, and she called back a few hours later to tell me i have an appt with general dr they assigned me to in two weeks.
:: shrug :: okay. who knows how that will go .. now i dont want to tell anyone there the truth.
i know i should be seeing someone. the therapist i left when i moved gave me the numbers to the centers somewhat near here, and the conversation we had when i felt i probably wouldn't call anyone here was driven by her concern. i even remember eventually saying it would probably be better for me to get in contact with someone before i crashed completely down again, and would be desperate instead of more comfortably just searching.
well .. i'm past that point of any comfort. i'm scared, i can admit that at least, maybe just too much. the only reason i called before was because i was at the end of my rope .. doing way too many drugs, confining myself to one "safe" part of my room so i couldn't hurt myself too badly. i was completely out of my mind, and that's the only way i could call.
am i being absolutely rediculous? probably. it's just a phone. i hate phones :g what happened before can't be like that here .. i have to too often throw on my happy mask and be the successful responsible person they all expect me to be.
there's no hidding here .. but it's kind of ironic, because i'm always hiding, in a different way.
so maybe it's like .. the juxtopasition of the two worlds. the blantantly messed up world in the east, or the covertly sick and twisted one here. what's hiding here can't come out here (at least now), it could there because it was literally bleeding
but here it's just .. stifled. and suffocating.
funny word choice. i've had difficulty breathing the past few days, as if i were constantly on the verge of a panic attack. staying four days in a little rv with a family you deserted (escaped?) watching your father get rediculously drunk everynight .. and being like he was/is that instigates so much fear
hm. but we're back, and at least here i can hide in another room.

okay sorry i'm rambling
i'll stop. its not making me feel any better writing because it forces me to remember why it is i'm upset :r and i just get more upset.

hmm. being okay is the only option, really.
because i'll keep breathing, and tomorrow will be another day.

muchlove to you all,

venus
(who's prepairing another mask)
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Hey......think about this. Why not go naked? No masks. Just for today.
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