Have you ever felt so lonely that your own company is far more appealing than being surrounded by people who think nothing of you? I mean, my friends, to my knowledge they know nothing of me. They couldnt name you one of my favourite bands, because they like the complete opposite of me, for eg, if I start talking about Tori, Queen Adreena etc, they are like, "hmmm who? Oh yeah, Tori's that girl whose music sounds like it should be played at funerals". I feel like I am a taxi driver, I mean I know friendships are give and take but, maybe its me, I feel like I am the giver. I listen to their problems, I ask how they are feeling, how their lives are going, what they did, who they saw, and I get forgotten, there is not enough time to talk about my problems. I have been treated really bad by "friends" in the past, I moved into a house with four girls and they for some reason ended up ignoring me, asking me if I wanted to go to the cinema and then forgot to tell me when they were leaving. I left the house and am on medication for depression, I was also cutting myself on a pretty regular basis ( my friends know none of this), I have posted on the Self injury forum, but not under this name. Things are just pretty shit. Its like you want someone to give a damn about you, your screaming. And when no one does, the only person left is yourself. The problem is I am caring less about myself, so soon there will be no-one. I am in my own little bubble and am about to land in a field of needles. I havent been out with friends in ages, I keep making excuses, which makes me worse, God I wish I could just brighten up like people tell me to. I never thought things would be like this, university is supposed to be great, I was supposed to be in a happy relationship by now, I was supposed to feel like I belong somewhere, I was supposed to have people I could relate to in my life somewhere. I didnt think I was that bad. It hurts me when I cant be listened to by my friends and have to type on this forum, but at the same time, I am glad that this is here.:a
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I'm glad you came here.. although we aren't the same as having friends in real life.. you can always come here and talk and someone will be here to listen. I'm truly sorry about the way that your past friends have treated you. no one deserves that. I know it's hard.. but I think that you should try getting out.. trying to meet new people. heh, you've probably heard that many times before and I know it's not the greatest advice.. but maybe if you keep doing it you'll find true friends.. I understand wanting to be alone rather than with people who don't really care about you.. but I think it's worth a shot to go out and try to find friends. just try to be open to everyone and try to be yourself and eventually you'll find the right people. again, I know I don't give the greatest advice.. but I've been told that I'm a good friend. ;) so feel free to talk to me.
take care
-Tyler-
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Thanks Tyler, but it feels like a vicious circle, I dont know, I sometimes feel I am better on my own, at least I dont have anyone to get annoyed at or I dont end up annoying anyone. I know I need to sort myself out and get out there and enjoy life, meet loads of people but its so hard. I suppose its my fault, I bottle things up, dont tell people whats going on, dont let them "in". I dont know how to change that, i have a problem trusting people maybe, or it could be I am scared in the way they will react to me. pooh.
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it's not your fault.. I do that too. I don't think we can really help it.. it's hard to find someone you trust enough to tell these things to. I haven't changed it yet.. I just found someone that I have learned to trust.. I've also found a therapist that I'm starting to trust.. are you seeing anyone? maybe it would be a good idea to if you aren't because it's someone who's only interest is you for about an hour. so if you can't find a friend to talk to it's nice to be able to talk to a therapist..
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I have been advised by my Course director at university to see a student counsellor. This is for other crap going on in my life though, I am so tired talking about all these things to doctors, my mum etc. I have to go and see a psychiatrist in a few months time for my depression and cutting and I know its all come about because I am just friggin unhappy about everything that is going on in my life. No-one listens or cares so what is the point. I find it too easy to put up a mask so everyone thinks I am ok. I started cutting because I bottle things up. I feel alone because I am afraid everyone will judge me with what is happening to me. I honestly cant say I can trust the majority of my friends with what is going on, but people have been saying, if your friends are going to judge you, they arent your friends, so then this would mean i have no one. Its all so complicated, I just wish I was simple, that I could go through life without the crap. Even a day without the crap.
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*hugs* I care about you Cinders.
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Thankyou Prometheus *hugs, that brings tears to my eyes, thankyou :)
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i've felt that at times, and it really doesn't feel good. if i could teach the world one thing, it would be compassion. some people have it, but most do not. if i were you, i would try to find one or two people who you think might understand or sympathize with you, and try to connect with them. take it slow though, so you don't reveal too much to someone who might not react so well. i don't know if that helped :( if you need to talk, i'm here to listen, but since you don't really know me, i don't think you'll want to, but hey, the offer is there :)
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Thanks for your reply. I know what you are sayin but its so hard. At the moment I feel I have one person who I can tell anything too but he lives in Belgium and we cant talk that much or as much as I would need to, I need someone here for me and as I told my best friend last night about my depression and she said she would love to see me but had to get drunk and have a laugh instead, it isnt really working out for me. I am beginning to feel like I have no friends in existence. I dont know, I expect too much, but I cant help but think I would react in a completely different way to the way people are reacting to me, or I would hope I would react differently, maybe I am naive, maybe I am supposed to be on my own for this. Thanks so much for the offer, I think the people on the forum are going to end up being my only vent, which I am grateful of having but I didnt think it was going to turn out this way.

Take care,

Laura xxx
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Oh my god, your life sounds like an exact mirror image of mine. Although I'm a guy of course :p

I'm 19, currently staying at home in the hiatus between my 1st and 2nd year at uni. I used to stay in a flat at uni with 7 other people but I left after 3 months because I couldn't take it any longer, I was too unhappy. I tried to act as happy as I could while I was there, going to clubs with some of them occasionally but I realised that just wasn't my thing, so I started going less and less, and most of them started just going out without telling me. Sometimes I'd just be left in there on my own.

Right now at this point in my life, I feel VERY alone. Bizarrely the only person I can really talk to lives in Belgium as well! I can tell her my worries, and she's great, but it's not like having someone here. I feel like I'm in my own bubble too, all the crap that has happened in my life I think has made me turn inwards more and more, so now I probably appear very reluctant to get to know people.

Just pretty much everything you've said connects with me. Like the caring less about yourself. Today I've been thinking about suicide, just briefly, nothing too serious. I suppose they're not great interactions to base the way I am with people on, but practically the only people I speak to away from my family are shop assistants, and I get the impression they look at me like I'm just a misery.

Anyway, if you ever want to talk to me, you can email me at chrisg1013@hotmail.com or my AIM ID is isthisdesireuk.

Take care,
Chris :)
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*hugs Thanks so much for your reply chrisje, I found it quite unbelieveable that things for you have been so similar and its quite amazing to have someone understand on this level. I count myself lucky. I know what you mean about being withdrawn, not going out and seeming reluctant to meet or talk to people. People have said to be its low self esteem, low confidence all that stuff. My doc, is getting me an appointment with the psychiatrist to get me into self confidence classes, I dont know what to think of that, I know I dont want to go, it sounds odd but I dont want to face other people who feel so down on themselves, that sounds silly, a contradiction when I post here, but I think its because it will be confirmed or something, I have been putting everything off for so long I dont want to accept that I am alone or I have no one to lean on at the moment. I am going to have to work hard to build up a relationship with someone. It was like it was safer sticking to the people i knew, who I thought I could depend on, instead of meeting new people, now the old ones have disappeared. Anytime you want to talk or vent go ahead, you can get me at either lenoresalive@hotmail.com/shinyspark@hotmail.com or pm me.

Take care, thanks

Laura xxxxx
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Well in ways I dont feel so alone at the moment in an overall sense. I am just on my own, phyiscally. I mean, it would be great to have someone give me a hug and show they care. I mean I get hugs on the forum which I really do appreciate but I wish someone out there would just give me a hug, tell me I will be ok. Does, that person exist? I hope so, if i am hugged at this moment I actually feel like I am going to break in two. But no matter, I will live.
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dang cinders that is exactly how I feel right now....all my friends are far away from me...well the friends I truly care about and all I want is a hug...I am just crushed that I can't even get that...I just broke off an engagement and am having a rough time...I am still riding the emotional swing so to say and the one thing I want is to get a hug from my friends and my exfiancee to know it will all be alright...I say I want a hug from my ex because I still want to be friends with her, but right now I just hate what she did to me....I am just happy I got to yell at her for 30minutes today it made me feel good and it made me feel I can at least work a healthy friendship with her in the future if nothing else....but really all I need right now is a hug!

Well enough of my ramblings I should sleep but I just feel too emotionally drained right now.

Kamiken
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*hugs, sorry you feel the way I do, sorry things havent worked out for you, I dont feel great, I didnt over dose last night, well I did but I just feel sick now, I know I have to take more than 17 lustral to disappear. Anyway, hope you hang in there,

Lots of love

Laura xxxxxx
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hey cinders you take care of yourself ok it will only get better. Don't do anything rash we want to see you here again.

Hey we all have our low points and I am finally starting to drag myself out of one and I hope you can too.

Kamiken
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Well today doesnt seem much better, tomorrow will be worse. I am back were I started, there is even no point in talking to me anymore. I dont know who I am anymore, I cant let anyone know the real me as I have lost myself somewhere, in the thick of it all. I have tried to please so many people, now they have all disappeared. I dont know what I am becoming, I mailed to the SI forum today and no one has replied, I am just feeling so down, so so down. I know everyone is busy with their own lives, I love everyone on the forum but I suppose I am asking too much, all I do is complain, no wonder. Not of any use. Loneliness is my life, only friends I have who are worth something are on the internet, and live about 300 miles across water. No one here at home understands what I am going through, god dealt me a bad hand when it came to getting friends, he forgot about me, he forgets about so many people, frig I dont even believe in the guy. Would like to but with whats going on now there is no way I would. I just sound like a bloody eejit, going on about nothing. I dont know why I started this thread there is no point. ;O
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I felt like I was dealt a shit hand 2 days ago too.....you know I did....I called my mom...she told me to wake the fuck up and put some self esteem in me.

You need to wake up and enjoy who you are......what do you like to do?....I know at least you like to post here and that is a start....get to know people on here....I think you seem like a wonderful person even after you being down in the dumps....hey I was there and am still partially there. I got pissed off at what I was doing to myself and it helped wake me up a bit. I am still working things out.

Hey if you ever want to talk I can talk with you feel free to pm me or whatever...I will post back as soon as I can. If you think no one cares for you well I care for you as a person and don't throw away your life because no one cares for you......You are a wonderful person, you just need help getting out of a rut right now. we all go through this it just takes time.

Take care of yourself and if you need to talk, I will talk with ya :)

Kamiken
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I like to write my poems, I love to listen to music, be it Tori Amos, Otis Redding, Aretha Franklin, Perfect Circle, Queen Adreena or Bach and Elgar. My "friends" find that boring, they dont even know I write poetry, wouldnt even care, they would probably agree that everything I write is shite. I like concerts, I have seen Tori twice, once in Glasgow and once in London, I have seen Queen Adreena in Glasgow. Playing my piano, no matter how badly I play, I think I would die if I couldnt give the ivories a tinkle when I wanted to. Books, I always seem to buy the ones that make me cry, I mean I cry at everything but myself, I suppose that is why I cut, to vent, I remember reading the horse whisperer a couple of years ago, the film is crap but I love the book and the ending had me hysterical crying my eyes out, funny. The film the colour purple, I think I may carry a record for crying 7 times in one film and continue to cry throughout the credits, I dont know. I like to hike but I cant find the strength to get out of bed never mind up a mountain, I love looking at the stars but lately my skies have been cloudy and I cant see them anymore, I love cooking and making up my own inventions, my mum says I dont do it right, I like replying to the forum, its a place I think I can be myself, usually in the darkest sense, not many people would see this side of me, I put on a happy face and pretend the clouds are bubblegum my life is rosey and everything tastes as sweet as sugar.

Self esteem? I dont know what that word means, I have never had it, I will never have it, its impossible at the moment. Mind you, sometimes I do think, hey Laura you arent that bad but then reality makes me realise, that if people treated me the way they did, I must be doing something wrong. I am just really tired at the moment, it may be my medication finally setting in. I was sick today, I have ate hardly anything, I keep clenching my teeth, I wake up in the morning my teeth chattering cause I am getting so cold, it didnt use to happen. Maybe I should go back to my doctor but he is on holidays, there is no point in explaining anything else, I am sick of explaining how I feel to people that dont have a clue.

I hope you are feeling better aswell, thanks for replying

Laura xxxx
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hehe nah cinders I know exactly how you feel......I am working on my self esteem now...I still wake up with my teeth chattering every morning for the past 3 weeks because I feel cold and hollow inside....I lost around 13 pounds this past 3 weeks if that tells you how much I been eating...I eat not even a full meal a day....I know it isn't healthy but I am just feeling down and trying to pick myself back up.......when you start feeling better about yourself things will be better for you....people will recognize what a great person you are and will want to be around you......if you can't feel good about yourself how will others feel about you? I can honestly say when you are in a good mood the people around you will be in a better mood because of it.....not many people want to be around others that are always feeling down...it brings them down. It does seem that you like to do alot of things and I am sure there are people out there that like similar things you do. It does seem like you got a lot going for you though, you just gotta realize it. I can only tell you that you are a great person...you have to believe it before you can turn your life into something you want it to be( I know that sounds corny as all hell but it's the truth).

You aren't doing anything wrong right now...you gotta realize that. Others just aren't seeing you for the wonderful person is all. hehe take a break for a bit and look at all the positive things about yourself and and project that to others and trust me things will work out :)

Take care

Kamiken
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I can totally sympathize...I'm one of those people that feels lonely in a room full of people...when it comes to others, I come off as the complete antithesis of an introvert/loner...I think I overcompensate by being overly interested and empathetic towards people and their lives...I make it a point to put everyone at ease, which most interpret as "tell me all of your troubles"...my best friend, the person who didn't use me or suck me dry of all my energy is in Israel for a year...and the friends that I have left, I feel as though I am employed by them as some sort dime store psychotherapist while we work out all the issues and dramas in their own lives...
It gets to the point where I don't feel like answering the phone or returning calls, or even going out for the sake of being social...it's my own fault...I think I'm at a place in my friendships where it would be useless to catch them up on my life or feelings because I would be talking for hours...plus I'm one of those people that likes to work things out on my own without burdening people...it's so easy to get locked into comfortable friendships and relationships that you remain in out of sense of obligation or boredom, rather than mutual interest and enthusiasm...and since I'm so used to settling for less than equal, I wouldn't know where to begin when it comes to seeking out real friendships...it's like a rut that never ends...and I don't have the will or the energy to remove myself from it...

Cinders, I really wish I could offer you some profound insight and advice....but I can't...all I can say is that you're not alone, even when you think you are...one thing that I haven't lost is my optimism about the future...I just have to believe that this is just temporary and that things will change and I have to work on breaking old habits that lock me in this place...unfortunately, it's easier said than done...

Hang in there...
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I just want to thank you for replying to my post. Things are better but I have yet to realise that completely. I have a friend, a person who for the first time in my life I feel I can trust him with anything. But of course I still get feelings of loneliness but I just think of the people who have treated me like crap as being the true lonely people, as they do not know themselves, nevermind the person they make friends with so they can step on later. If I have Chris to be friends with to the day I die and he is my only friend, well I believe I will have lead a happy life. Its odd, I never thought I would think that ever. so much joy from one person, I thank my lucky stars. I suppose from having my depression and other problems and my 'friends' finding out about it made me see their true colours and realise they were talking to me for their benefit, and when I needed a shoulder to cry on I was ignored, its so frustrating. You give all you can to people, and they just take it and give you nothing in return, not even their attention, I dont want that to make me naive, I dont want to be gulliable, I dont want people to treat other people like crap anymore, its so sickening. It makes me so angry, I am rambling non stop here, so forgive me. But all of us matter so much, we do and I know I would never forgive myself for hurting someone the way that I have been hurt. Maybe people dont realise what they do, but god, how could they not? I dont understand people, they can seem so heartless, they can be so heartless. In my whole life I have been surrounded by strangers, my whole life. Now that I have found Chris I even doubt that he is real because its like a dream and it just feels so strange, I would understand things so much more if he was to turn out like all the other friends I had in the past, but I know in my heart that he is something more, he is a true friend, the first one I have ever had, probably ever will. I have left uni and have been at home for over a month, I am finding it hard to be in group situations, for example my self esteem classes, I dont put on an act anymore so I feel I have nothing to offer anyone. Its so confusing. I feel the people in the group expect something from me that I cant offer, I cant offer a part of me because I have been hurt so many times, I can smile at them, say hi, but if they know who I am, what I do, what my life is like, they could use that against me and that is something that has happened too often in my life and I dont want it to happen anymore. The only thing I benefitted from cutting myself off from everyone for that month was that I got rid of the majority of people who made me sad. The guy from belgium I mentioned earlier began putting me down an awful lot, he told me one night he couldnt deal with my shit anymore, which includes my depression and cutting. I shouldnt expect people to deal with it. My friend heather, well she rang me from edinburgh last week and I hope she doesnt ring again, she asked me if I still wanted to talk to her, in my head I was screaming a big NO! but I said yep, of course I still want to be friends with you. How full of crap am I? Ah well, hopefully things will get better. I hope all you guys are grand. Take care

Cinders xxxxxxxxxxxx:l
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