I'm posting this here b/c I know Matt will never read it here.

I'm sorry Matt...sorry that I am not a better boyfriend. I am sorry for being too possessive at times, sorry for being jealous. I'm sorry that I have so very many insecurities that make me doubt you as a person and make me doubt your love for me.

I'm sorry to myself...for saying that I want to die. I don't want to die. Maybe I just need a reason to live. Right now, maybe I'm not a good enough reason for myself...but Matt is plenty reason enough. Why am I not good enough reason for myself though?? I wish I knew. I just feel like I need love in my life. Sure, I like me, but to have someone else love me is the greatest thing in the world. Matt's love is better than ice cream (sorry Sarah M. :) )

I'm sorry to my friends...for being a bad friend to them. For going to them only when I need them and disregarding them when its convenient. I'm sorry to my parents, for not being the son you've always wanted. No want really wants a gay son, do they?

And I'm sorry to anyone reading this, that they have had to strain their eyes to read my babble. Maybe it just helps a little bit to get this all out on here.

Funny thing is, I'm not as sad and depressed as this all may indicate...its just been a really bad night. I know to keep my boyfriend, I have to work on my issues of insecurity. I just have to figure out how...

Thanks everyone for reading...

I love you Matt ;k
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aw.
Don't ever apologize for who you are!

be you!

Hope everything works out!
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aw sweetie... (((((HUGS)))))

you know what Joe?
I don't know you in real life, but I like you just the way you are!
and so should everyone else.
if they don't, then that's their issue, not yours...
it is impossible to please everyone at the same time.
So you have to please Joe first and foremost. You are all you've got when it really comes down to it. And you are who you are. period. forget about what everyone "wants" you to be... or "wishes" you were.
You are Joe. Plain and simple. that's not ever changing. so they all better get used to it.
You are so young. You have so much growing and changing to do...
so do I!
we all do!

but it's all about the journey... that's the fun part!
life challenges us *all* the time!
it just depends on how you take the change.... accept it... with a smile... knowing that you will learn something from each experience... knowing that you will be different inside because of it.

and I don't have to know you in real life to know that you are a beautiful person...
~the emotion & feeling you put into your music...
~the love and respect that you have for Matt
~your dedication to everything in your life... school, Matt, your family/friends, your music... maintaining
awesome grades and juggling everything with grace...
including the awesome job you do being a mod for a not-so-busy forum... you keep the place alive and well!!

it's never easy. it can be truely enlightning though...
just depends on your perspective.It's good that you recognize your unattractive behavior in your relationship. It's up to you to try to improve. But do it to improve Joe. for Joe. not for anyone else.
because only then will it truely be fulfilling. you don't need anyones approval to be Joe. no ones. be you hunnie.

on the jealousy thing: this is my perspective:
I am not a very jealous person because I feel that if my partner is interested in something else or thinks they are finding something they are missing somewhere else, then good. I am glad. because I don't want my partner to be missing something they need in their lives. and if I'm not fulfilling that need..then it's gonna be a problem later on down the line. so it's good that they recognize it now...
But if they are with me, there must be a reason. I must be fulfilling something in their life. and I'm good knowing just that.
If you're not sure..ask. make a list of the things that you love about each other... that may give you a little more confidence. With each relationship, you learn so much!
The best thing I ever learned was that eventhough you love someone, they may not be "the one". You may not be compatible enough to be together forever...
it helped me alot to recognize that.

I don't know if any of this even helped or relates to anything going on right now... hehe... I got a little carried away... maybe it was something *I* needed to get out...

I know you posted this a couple of days ago... so hopefully your perspective has changed a little since...
;k
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Well, things have defintely improved since I wrote that last post. Also, I'm gonna go to a little counselling at school...I think it'll be good for me :) Thanks to ya'll for your kind words/words of advice. It is much appreciated!

:)
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