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Hi.

Um well.. I guess I just need to kind of put this out there.. because I'm scared and suddenly I don't have anyone to talk to. Maybe this would be more appropriate in the Suicide/Clinical Depression forum but I don't know... I don't know what it is this time.

Basically, I've had depression almost constantly since I was ten (I'm 16), though it was only about a year and a half ago that I faced up to the fact that something was wrong. In January I decided to see what was up once and for all and I got diagnosed with clinical depression and given Citalopram (Celexa). I refused to take the drugs, and I pulld myself through without them, and with a lot of help from a teacher at my school who acted as a kind of therapist for me. She was the only person I trusted, and I could tell her anything. In April, I had a bit of an upsurge and I was doing well, and have been much more stable for the last six months.

In that time, I also stopped self injuring and I found eating a lot easier. But a few weeks ago I cut myself just for the hell of it really... because I could. And that brought back my eating problems and I can feel myself sinking into depression again. The other day I had real problems doing my school work because I was feeling so awful, and that's a feeling I haven't had for so long. I've had more bad days and have been much more unstable, as well as harming myself more. I'm just scared... I don't want to fall back down into the downward spiral, though I always knew relapses would happen. I knew I wouldn't just stay happy forever and that I had magically been cured.. but I guess why I'm here is to ask the impossible question: how do I stop this? How can I get out before it's too late. So much of my life has been spent feeling this way that it feels like home. It's a comfortable place for me and it feels far safer than being happy (though obviously being suicidal isn't safe). I know myself and I know that I like to wallow, and that when I am depressed I don't want to pull myself out of it, even if I was capable, because I like it too much.

Argh.. I know no-one has the answer.. I just needed to tell someone that because I feel like everyone has just taken it for granted that I am 'better' and that these things won't be a problem any more. I don't want to depress everyone and make them worry again, I don't want to take up their time, but I'm going a little crazy while everyone treats me as if everything is fine.

Things kind of tailed off talking to my teacher because I was doing better, and i was seeing her so irregularly that I couldn't remember what had happened and I got all muddled. I have used far too much of her time with my pathetic ramblings as it is; I don't need to go back into that again.

Anyway... thanks for 'listening':)
~** Jess
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I think every person's healing path is different. Which is why no one will have the answer for you.

I do want you to know that I have been exactly where you are right now. I wish that healing was like walking, one foot in front of the other. There are times like that, but there are also times when you take 2 steps forward and one step back. But, keep in mind, you are moving forward. You know something is wrong. You are taking steps to take care of yourself. The fact that you've felt stable for 6 months is huge!

Do you have a therapist? If you don't, I highly suggest finding one. You don't have to take the medication if you don't want. Therapy is a lot more than that.

You have gotten better. There is hope. Things will get better again.

You are not alone. We're all here for you.

Ann
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Thank you, Ann:)

I am feeling more positive. There is a long and roundabout reason for that, but I won't go into it. Anyhow, this time I am not going to just sit here and let it all wash over me. That gets me nowhere.

As for therapy, well, I can go and see the teacher I mentioned any time I want. She is far mor euseful than a qualified therapist because I trust her more than anyone and I can be completely honest. She helped me through this last time; it was her that got me through. Talking was very important for me, as was journalling.

Thank you very much for your reply:)
~** Jess
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*Hugs* I am sorry that you're having a rough time, but I am glad that you are feeling more positive :)
I swear that I could have written so much of that myself...weird...Anyway, I know how hard it can be to finally be happy (on some level), and fall back down. It's hard to get a taste of something really good and then have it disappear. I wish that I could think of some really good advice, or something, but I'm not feeling so wonderful myself right now. I think that it's great that you have that teacher who you can talk to. I am sure that she is very helpful. Just hang in there, you can pull through this :r
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You know, it's so hard for us to have faith in ourselves. When we're the ones who went so far down in the first place. But I have learned that while we are capable of going so far down, we have incredible amounts of strength at the same time.

It's hard to focus on the good parts. The strong parts. But that's part of fighting the depression. I know you can do this.

I'm glad you can talk to your teacher. It's really wonderful that you have someone like that in your life.

:)

Ann
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Thank you, both of you:)

It definitely is wonderful that I have her in my life. She got me through this last time, and she really is an amazing and selfless person.
~** Jess
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I think i can also say that i know sort of what you are going through, my story is very similar, i'm 20 now and have just started working on "things" but i just wanted to say that i really admire that you are already trying to help yourself get better - i think that if i had started at 16, the last 4 years would have been so different and so much better. I know what you are saying about how it feels safer being depressed than happy, i was the same, it scared me when things were okay, and i spent so much of my life (as far as i can remember which was like age 5) feeling depressed that it was what was comfortable to me and to this day i will still say that i dont mind being depressed all the time i just want the ups and downs to stop. Anyhow, im really glad you can talk to your teacher and i really think that you should continue to do so, but i think that it would also be very beneficial if you did go to therapy, so you will have a larger support system and not become dependent on just one person, i think it would help to have a proffessional involved (since your teacher is probably going to be emotionally involved) and that would probably also help you to not get the feeling that you are unloading on her, and plus then you will always have someone to talk to. Anyway, i just thought that you might want to consider that as well as talking with your teacher. And you are so right, dont let those feelings just wash over you and drag you back under, it does no good, i know that's a hard thing to do, but it gets easier when you get in the habit of it, you sort of get to the point where you almost have to fight yourself to do the negative stuff instead of the other way around.
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