Well, I really don't post here often. I just wanted to let my feelings out. I feel as though I can't go on anymore. Life has been a constant struggle for me and I've tried my best to overcome everything. Rape, low self esteem, unemployment, losing everything in the flood, doing bad in college, gaining too much weight, losing my b/f of two years and I can't do this anymore. I'm not saying that I'm going to do it right at this minute but eventually it is something that I am destined to do. I've been wanting to die every since I was 12 and now I'm 21 and nothing has changed. I had counseling and stuff but it didn't work. I pray but I don' think my prayers are heard. You see, I believe that God plays favorites and I'm not His favorite. :(

Well, don't wanna bore anybody. good day. :)
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Honey, as I read your post do you know who I think about? Tori.

Rape, low self esteem, unemployment, losing everything in the flood, doing bad in college, gaining too much weight, losing my b/f of two years and I can't do this anymore.

I'm not sure about losing stuff in a flood or low self-esteem, but Tori can relate to rape, unemployment, doing "badly" at Peabody, gaining weight and breaking up with a boyfriend.

Aren't you glad she hasn't given up on her life? This girl forged ahead, day after day, making her dreams come true.

I understand the feeling of hopelessness and the sheer mental and emotional exhaustion, but it's pointless to give up on yourself. Look, we'll all be dead someday, and we'll be dead forever. Life is VERY short. We need to hang in there not only for ourselves, but for those who love us.

I'm sure there are people in your life who would be crushed if anything happened to you.

So if therapy didn't work, you need a new therapist. And while you're working on finding him/her, sit down and make a list of all the things you'd miss if you were to end your life prematurely. Make a list of all the possibilities that couldn't be realized.

Get through today and worry about tomorrow when morning comes. Just for today, be alive, really alive, and start taking some positive steps to changing things.

I know it's hard.

And please feel free to keep posting here if you just need to vent or bounce ideas of other people.

You're worth the effort!
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I know when you are depressed, you read things like St. Theresa's post and think, "She doesn't understand."

Everyone's pain is different, but pain is pain.

I was molested by my dad when I was 3. I was raped when I was 19. I've come very close to being homeless. I've had times where I couldn't afford to eat. It's taken me 6 years to get back to college. I'm currently recovering from a serious illness that kept me from working or going to school for a year.

Having been through all of that, I can tell you that everything she posted is 100% true. There were times in my life where I just lived for my cat. And I knew it was pathetic. I think I've seriously tried to kill myself 4 or 5 times. I never thought anything would get better. I thought I was damaged goods and it would never get better.

Then I found a good therapist. And it completely changed my life. I am happy most of the time. I am married to a wonderful, loving man. I'm back in school, chasing my dreams. I've been a rape crisis counselor for the past 2 years. Life isn't a bank, so I'm not guarenteed happiness. This illness has been incredibly difficult to deal with, but there is never a day when I'm not glad to be here. No matter how bad things are.

It does get better. I am living proof to that. Please, find a good therapist. You can call your local rape crisis hotline and ask for names. They can help you.

I wish I could give you a magic pill and "poof" everything goes away and it's perfect. Life doesn't work like that, unfortunately. But you can get better.

Ann
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Bells, could you please do us a favor and post a little something? I'm a bit worried. Are you feeling any better today? Can you see any silver linings in your clouds?
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Bells, could if you're reading this, would you please post and let us know you're breathing? I'm serious. People worry.

And if it makes you feel any better, other people have the same thoughts sometimes. I did last night. I'm just having a really hard time with life in general, I'm on some pain pills, I feel like crap, I have no energy, tons to do, no money and lots to pay. And it dawned on me that I had enough pills in my house to make me sleep...permanently. I toyed with the idea, briefly.

Then I realized my house is such a mess, as well as all my personal and business accounts and papers and such...not to mention stuff on my computer I wouldn't want people to see. So I decided it wasn't a good time. If I was ever going to do it, I'd have to get everything in my life together first.

But if I had everything together, why would I want to do it?

I found that amusing in a weird sort of way. I hope you can, too.

Let us know!
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